The Letter
by kathiann
Summary: Post Ep to Amends. I just felt so much for him in the episode. He's seriously screwed up his life, and I'm hopeless. obviously, as no one's posted in this fandom for like 5 years.
1. Chapter 1

**Authors Note: **This is a post ep to Amends. If this is in contradiction to anything that happens after this ep, it's not my intention. It's just, he looked so broken after that ep, and that's all I've seen so far, so, yea. Origanaly intended as a one shot, this is going to have at least 2 chapters.

**Disclaimer: **Does any one own the Guardian at this point? Because if they do, it would be really great if they would put it out on DVD.

Nicholas Fallon sat at his kitchen table staring at the things he had painstakingly arranged there. It was a Friday night. He used to look forward to the weekends. It meant no work and more time with Lulu.

Lulu. The best thing that ever happened to him and he had screwed it up. He always managed to screw up the good things. He had let his addiction control his life. If most people asked about his problem he skirted around the fact that it was just that, an addiction. It was something to be ashamed of.

He looked again at the objects on the table in front of him. In the center, that stupid piece of paper saying he had successfully completed the 30 day outpatient program. The paper that he had hoped would show Lulu that he had changed that he was sorry, that he wanted her to come back. But it didn't. And there it sat, the only thing it would ever be, a piece of paper worth more money than he cared to think about, and it was absolutely worthless. Just like him.

He thought back to that night just a few days ago when he had gone to Lulu's house so full of hope. He had actually had the thought that she might give him a second chance. But she had killed that in just a few moments. He would never have a chance to make it better. It was hopeless.

He looked back down at the rest of the things on the table. Alongside his papers and law books that seemed to be a permanent fixture on the table now that Lulu had moved out were two things that could get him sent to jail fast than his Probation officer finding out he went back to rehab. An unopened bottle of scotch and a tiny plastic baggie full of a white powder.

He had been so careful when he had been caught the first time. He had avoided any situation in which denying drugs or drinking would be hard or impossible. He stopped spending time with some of his friends, he stopped going out to the bars to pick up women, he threw himself into his work.

Then he met Lulu and he thought he had a chance. He finally managed to get her to see him as more than just a junkie and a probationer, and to agree to go out with him. It hadn't been only about the sex like it was with most women he went out with. There was barely a difference between what he did and what the 'Johns' out on the street did. The biggest difference, the only thing he had to pay for was a few drinks and maybe dinner. If he was lucky he didn't have to pay at all.

His heart had broken when he found out that she was considering taking that job in California, and that she didn't tell him. He'd wanted to scream and yell and get drunk and high all at the same time, but he'd stayed strong. He hadn't given in to the demons taunting him from the back of his mind.

When she decided to stay on at LSP, that had been one of the happiest moments of his life. Even if they didn't get back together, at least he would be able to see her every day at LSP; he would be able to talk to her, even if she didn't want to talk about them, their relationship.

The night she had come to him when she had nowhere else to go, when trying to get away from her dad, that had made him feel as if she still had feelings for him. She had never told him that she loved him, even though he had told her. It wasn't easy for him, expressing his feelings like that, and that she had practically laughed at him, well, that to made him want to go back to the alcohol and drugs.

Couldn't she see how happy he had been when she had moved in with him? Couldn't she tell? He had asked her, he didn't have to. He could have said they should just start dating again, but he didn't. He would have asked her to marry him if he thought she would say yes.

And that's where he had lost control. He looked at the scotch again, itching to open the bottle and pour a glass. He got up from the table and got a glass, putting a few ice cubes in it and coming back to the table to stare at it. It wasn't a good bottle by any means. Just a cheap bottle he had picked up at the liquor store on the other side of town. He didn't want anyone he knew to see him. He'd end up back in that program. The drugs were easier. He'd had them in his house since that first time he got busted. He hid them well, they'd never found them. He hadn't pulled them out since that night.

She had said no. She had thought that the only reason he wanted to marry her was because she was pregnant. It wasn't that, he would have asked her soon even if she hadn't been pregnant, but she was, and she thought that was the only reason. He'd even got his mothers ring. Did she really think that he would give her a ring so small otherwise, but then, she hadn't looked at it either. She'd just turned him down; and wanted to go on like nothing had ever happened.

He should have just talked to her, told her what he was feeling, that he wanted to be a father, a husband. That he was afraid that she would one day decided that she was done with him and just take their child and leave and he wouldn't be able to do anything about it. Sure he could take her to court, but they both knew all the judges. The judges knew why he was in there every day defending the best interest of children. He'd stand no chance in court.

He thought about what Alvin had said the other night, after he had tried to get Lulu to give him a second chance. That the only reason that he should go thru such an accelerated program was if he wanted to speed up his life or stop it all together. And that's when he looked at the last object on the table. No one knew he owned it. Not his dad, not Alvin, least of all Lulu. He had gotten it from the same person that had sold him that little bag of white powder. He told the kid he wanted it for protection and since then hadn't taken it out of its hiding place next to that little baggie, but tonight, tonight he brought it out.

He picked it up, testing the weight in his hand. You never realized how heavy a gun was before you held one. Most of his experience with guns had been rifles, ones for hunting. He'd never actually owned one himself. Until that day he asked the kid about it. He didn't know what had made him think of getting a gun then, but was glad he had it now.

He picked held the gun in his hand, testing the weight, then sat it back down. He pulled his notebook towards him; he had never given Lulu the letter he wrote her. It somehow didn't seem adequate anymore. It seemed incomplete now that he'd finished the program. Now that she made her intentions clear. He pulled his pen out of his coat pocket and began to write.


	2. Chapter 2

**Authors Note: **So, I've put this in the AU catigori now, as I've seen some of the eps that come after Amends, and it doesn't follow the story line. I mean, it could, but I think I'm just going to label it an AU until I'm sure.

**Disclaimer: **Not mine.

Lulu lay in her bed, not sleeping. It was beginning to be a theme. She hadn't been able to sleep well since she left Nick. She didn't feel bad about it, he needed to get his life in order, but deep down, she still missed him.

She pressed he hands to her stomach, trying to feel the baby move, it was still too early, but she liked to try anyway, she felt she needed something to make it real. She heard the doorbell ring and rolled her eyes. It was far too early on a freezing cold Saturday to want to get out of bed. She was going to just ignore it when whoever was at the door started knocking. Sighing she grabbed her robe and headed down stairs.

"What?" She said jerking open the door and squinting her eyes against the bright sun shining on the ice and snow in the street.

"I've got a package for you ma'am." Said a young boy holding out a large manila envelope for her to grab.

"What's this?"

"I don't know, I just deliver, I don't ask questions."

Lulu nodded and shut the door as the boy trudged back down the steps and back to his car. She slid open the envelop and pulled out a stack of papers, most of which looked hand written. She looked more closely; it was Nick's hand writing. That was odd; usually he had his secretary at Fallon and Fallon type up his letters and such. Sitting down on the sofa she began to read.

My Dearest Lulu,

Please read this all the way through before you react, I want you to know everything before you do anything.

I love you. I have almost from the moment I met you. I know that I have an odd way of showing that love. I'm sorry for that.

You know I just finished my 'program' and that one of the steps is to make amends. I know I never did that with you. I'm taking the coward's way out with this letter. I wrote one before, I did for everyone, my dad, Jake, even Suzanne and Alvin. I gave everyone else their letters, but not you. I couldn't do that. It was so cut and dry, just a list of the things I had done wrong, that I needed to apologize for, but I realized that what I did goes back further than to just when I started doing the drugs again or when I had sex with Suzanne.

I used to think when we started dating that I would treat you better than Brian did, but as I think about it, I've been worse. Sometimes I wonder if I may have contributed to your leaving him, or his leaving you, however that worked. I knew about his sleeping with the hooker before you were married, and I didn't tell you. I should have. I'm sorry for that. I should have told you that day in your house, instead of kissing you, I should have told you the real reason why you shouldn't marry him.

I'm sorry that I lied to you. That I didn't tell you about my fears about us until it was too late. I'm sorry that I used drinking and drugs as a way to try to escape my problems. It's no excuse. I know. But I need to apologize to you for it. I've done things I'm not proud of. Things I'm sure you don't want to know about.

I should have bought you that house. I should have let you buy that house with me. I should have realized in your own way, you were trying to tell me that you were willing to make it work, even if marriage wasn't the top of the list at the time.

But it is too late for that now. It's too late for a lot of things. I've realized something recently. My parents hated each other when I was growing up. My father didn't want anything to do with me half the time. And my mother sent me away when she got sick without even asking. I know it's no excuse.

I realized that I don't want my child to grow up resenting me. I don't want our child to grow up hating me. My biggest fear used to be that something would happen, and I wouldn't be able to see our child, now I have. I just ask that when you tell our child about me that you are kind. Please don't tell them the bad things I've done. There are good things I've done too. Please, just, don't make me into a monster. I know I've done some horrible things, but I want my child, _our_ child to know me through your eyes the way you saw me before I screwed everything up.

Please make sure our child know how much I loved you and her, or him. Because I do,

Love always,

Nick

Lulu sat staring at the letter in her hands. _Loved_? As in used to love. Was he no longer in love with her? Or did he mean something else. Surely he wouldn't do something stupid would he? Not liking where those thoughts were taking her, she quickly went upstairs to dress, she would go over to his house and talk with him. She wasn't going to forgive him, but maybe they could work something out with the baby.

Someone was knocking at the door as she came down and she was surprised at the person she saw standing on the front steps.

"Suzanne? What are you doing here?"

"Hi Lulu. I'm sorry to bother you on the weekend, but have you seen Nick today?" Suzanne asked in her familiar nervous way, as if she didn't want to impose on Lulu.

"No, I haven't." Lulu didn't have time for this.

"Oh, ok." Lulu thought she was going to leave, but she kept talking. "See, I got this letter from him this morning."

_And here I thought I was special,_ thought Lulu. "Why didn't you just call him?"

"I did, he didn't answer."

"Then why are you here?"

"Well, here, just read it." She handed Lulu the sheet of paper that she had been clutching in her hand.

The first thing Lulu noticed was that this letter was much shorter than hers, and, the handwriting was rushed, almost as if he had written it as an afterthought.

Suzanne,

I just wanted to say again how sorry I am for the way that I used you. It wasn't fair to you to use sex with you as a way to escape my problems at home. You have a great son; he really loves you and cares very much for you.

Please don't let the way I acted affect your future relationships. Not everyone is as big an ass as I am. I know I already wrote you a letter apologizing for the way I acted, but I just wanted to do it one more time before it was too late.

Nick

"Before it's too late? What does that mean?"

"I don't know; that's why I was looking for Nick."

"Well did you go to his house?"

"I um, I don't know where he lives, he never invited me over." She actually looked embarrassed at this admission, as if she didn't want to remind Lulu why she even had a relationship with Nick.

"Right, I guess he wouldn't have. Come with me, I was just heading over there." Lulu lead the way to her car, she didn't volunteer why she was going to Nick's and Suzanne didn't ask.

They didn't talk on the way to his house, and the silence was far from comfortable. Nick's car was still in the drive way and Lulu parked behind him, going around the side of the house to the back and knocking on the door that was most often used. There was no answer. Using the key that she had yet to return to him they let themselves in the house. Walking into the kitchen the first thing that they noticed was the silence, there wasn't a sound. The second thing they noticed was the cold. The heater had been turned off.

Suzanne just looked around the kitchen, surprised by the neatness of it all. She'd never seen a single guy who kept their house so clean. Lulu went into the dining room and stopped dead in her tracks when she saw what was on the table. Nick's certificate of achievement next to an unopened bottle of scotch, and in the middle, two pamphlets, one for Co dependants anonymous and the other for Al-Anon.


	3. Chapter 3

**Authors Note: **SO I thought this would be the last chapter, but Nick had other ideas, so one more after this.

**Disclaimer: **Not mine.

Lulu was pacing around Nick's house. Other than the things on the table there was nothing out of place. She and Suzanne were still waiting at Nick's house. Lulu had called Burton as soon as they realized that Nick wasn't there. She hadn't known what to tell him, other than she was worried about him. Burton had said that he would be over in just a minute.

"Where the hell could he be?" Lulu asked for what seemed like the hundredth time.

"You know, maybe I should go. I don't know if Nick would want me here." Suzanne was sitting on his sofa clearly uncomfortable with being in his house.

"Oh get over it Suzanne. You know the only thing that kept him from bringing you back here was the fear that I would find out. I'm sure he would have had no problem with you being here otherwise."

"He never loved me Lulu. You know that right?"

"I'm not so sure."

Before they could get ready to go another 10 rounds Burton came wearing his winter coat and hat.

"Any news from Nickolas yet Lulu?" Burton asked nodding to her in greeting.

"No, not yet Burton." She said nervously. "Have you met Suzanne?"

"Um, no, no I haven't." Burton said, not shaking her hand when it was offered causing Suzanne to retract it embarrassed. Clearly Burton knew about her and Nick.

"What are we going to do?" Lulu asked, clearly very worried.

"We wait." He removed his coat and sat down. "We just wait."

*************************************************************************************

"I was just sting there, looking at what my life had come down to, drugs and alcohol and picked up the gun and held it to my head, and for the first time, I couldn't think of a reason not to pull the trigger. I almost did it too, and would have if a friend hadn't come over at that minute. He saw me through the kitchen window; he wouldn't let me do it. And now, I'm just trying to find a reason to keep going. I'm not sure right now, my girlfriend left me, I will probably never be able to get custody of my child, I may well lose my job. No one trusts me. And, I guess, I just don't know. I guess, I guess I'm here now and not six feet under somewhere, and I'm not sure that's a good thing, but for now, it's just the way it is." Nick shock his head and sat down in the uncomfortable folding chair in the drafty church hall.

He hadn't wanted to come to this. He would have rather just shot his brains out and hope that Lulu wasn't the one to find his body. He'd taken too much time writing the letters. He'd written one to both Lulu and Suzanne, and one to his father as well. He'd had the messenger come to his house and pick them up that night, or rather, by the time he'd finished it was very close to the morning. He'd told the messenger to deliver the letters in person, to not just leave them on a door step, but to give them to a person. He hoped he's listened, he'd certainly paid enough.

Alvin nudged him in the shoulder. "Feels good to get up there doesn't it?"

Nick just shrugged. It hadn't been his idea, but, and he would never admit this to Alvin, it did feel nice in a depressing sort of way. Knowing that some of the men and women sitting in this room with him had been through the same or similar things had given him a much needed look into the future. There were successful workers and parents here, fathers and mothers that had custody of their children, bosses and taxpaying citizens. And he wasn't alone in his addiction. Yes, that's what it was. It had taken him close to three years to admit it, but it had been indeed almost three years since he had been caught with the drugs that had sent him the LSP to begin with.

The meeting was over shortly, and despite Alvin wanting to linger, Nick just wanted to leave. Maybe later, when he'd had a chance to think about it, to get to know these anonymous people in this anonymous situation maybe then he'd be willing to linger for coffee and cookies. But not today. Today he had an appointment. He'd had to wake several people up for this, so it had to be done. He wanted to do it before he changed his mind or found another gun.

It didn't' take long for them to get downtown on a Saturday, there wasn't much traffic. Alvin parked outside the formidable stone building and glanced over at Nick. "Do you want me to come inside with you?"

"Yea, well, I need a witness." Nick said, as if confused why Alvin had even asked. Alvin just shrugged and followed him in the building and up the elevator. A thin man with thinning hair was waiting for them just inside the doors to the office.

"Nick, what's going on? Burton's been calling me, asking if I've heard from you. Heck, Lulu even called to see if I'd heard from you. What's going on?" Jakes natural nervous nature was showing through as he acknowledged Alvin standing slightly back from Nick, almost hanging on in the doorway. "Morning Alvin."

"Morning Jake, how's life been for you?" Alvin stepped further into the lobby of the law offices.

"It's been good." Jake directed his attention back to Nick. "What was so important that you needed to do it today, on the weekend?"

"I need to adjust my will, and set up a trust." Nick said, not seeing any reason to beat around the bush.

"Ok." Jake said, drawing out the one word into two syllables. "Why couldn't it wait until Monday, and shouldn't your dad be here for this?"

"Uh, no it can't wait for Monday, and Alvin's going to be witness for me."

Jake just nodded his head and led the way back into the conference room where they got started on working out all the language needed to do what Nick wanted. It took most the afternoon, but they had finally completed all of it, and had everything typed up and ready to sign with the help of a paralegal they had called in a few hours into the whole process.

Nick stood after the last of the papers had been signed, and motioned for Alvin that they should probably go. "Thanks Jake, I really appreciate you coming in on the weekend to do this."

"No problem Nick. I'll have these papers filed first thing Monday and get you the official copies." Nick didn't say anything in response just nodded his head and went back out to Alvin's car.

They didn't go straight back to Nock's house. Instead they drove around the city and picked up food for dinner. It wasn't until after 6:00 that Alvin's cell phone rang for the first time that day.

"Hello." He said cheerily answering it as he and Nick sat in the car eating. "Well hello Lulu!" He looked at Nick a question in his eyes. "No, I wasn't aware that he was missing. I'm sure he's fine…Hold on just a minute Lulu, ok?"

Alvin placed his hand over the mouth piece of the phone to muffle the sound and turned to Nick. "Do you want me to tell her you're here? She seems pretty worried."

"No, I don't want her to know where I am right now, I don't want her to know what's going on, I don't want her to worry."

"A little late for that now, don't you think?" Alvin asked placing it back up to his ear. "Sorry Lulu. I talked to Nick this morning; he said he had some business to take care of and not to worry. I'm sure he's fine and will be at work same as always on Monday…Yea, I will Lulu, take care."

Alvin sighed as he hung up the phone. "She's really worried about you Nick."

Nick didn't respond just stared straight ahead. "I just want to go home Alvin."

It didn't take long for them to get to his house, and by the time they did the lights were all off, and other than the tire tracks in the snow there was no sign that anyone else had been there that day. They walked into the kitchen and nick noticed little touches that said that people had been in his house. There were dirty glasses in the sink and the trash was a little fuller with empty take out containers.

"You can go home Alvin, I'm going to be fine." Nick said leaning up against the kitchen counter after noticing that the objects that he had left on the kitchen table were still there and undisturbed. The only things missing were the pamphlets that Alvin had left there when he had shown up unexpectedly and found Nick with a gun to his head.

"Are you sure Nick? I still have the 'other stuff' that you had this morning, I could always give them back if you've changed your mind."

"No, no Alvin, its fine. I don't need them. Throw them in a lake or the trash or something, ok? I just want to go to bed." Nick was getting impatient, he appreciated Alvin's help today, but he just wanted him to leave now.

"Alright. Call me if you feel yourself slipping again, ok?" Alvin said hand on the door knob. Nick just nodded and shut the door behind him. He waited until he was sure Alvin was gone before opening the door and getting into his car. He had one last thing to do today, and he didn't want Alvin there when he did it.


	4. Chapter 4

**Authors Note: **I know I should really be writing something that gets more than 7 hits a chapter, but what can I say? I've really been liking Nick lately. I mean, he bought her a house in the last ep I watched. Needless to say, this has moved into the AU category, because, he's not thinking about killing himself in the show.

**Disclaimer: **Not mine, never mine. I only wish I own them.

Despite her rather late phone call to Alvin and his assurance that Nick was fine, Lulu was still worried about him. She sat there in her house on the sofa rubbing her stomach and staring at the wall. Where could he have gone? After her call to Alvin Burton had decided to go home, he trusted Alvin and if Alvin said Nick was fine, he'd believe him. She'd taken Suzanne home then, she's been nervous all day anyway, always afraid that Burton would say something to her about her affair with Nick.

Burton had taken the pamphlets that Lulu was sure that Alvin had left, she didn't need them, she was again insulted that Alvin thought that she did. She was not part of Nick's problem. He had caused it all himself. He had the habit of only speaking up when it was too late. And it was defiantly too late. A knock at the door interrupted her thoughts and she got up off the sofa. Peering through the window in the door she saw Nick standing there and opened the door.

"Nick, where have you been?" She stood blocking his entrance to the house; he had some explaining to do.

"Can I come in? It's pretty cold out here." Nick asked not answering her question.

She stepped aside to let him in and shut the door turning to face him. She noticed that he had a stack of papers in his hands and frowned, what was going on.

"I, I just wanted to drop some things off. I know that I've screwed up; I know that you don't trust me, and I don't blame you. But, I care about you, love you even, I just, I'm sorry. And I know that I can say it till I'm blue in the face and it won't make a difference, but I just have to tell you in person. I'm sorry."

"Where were you today? I got that letter this morning and I thought…and then Suzanne came over and, well…"

"I was with Alvin. I went to a meeting, and had to go to work, to get a few things taken care of."

Lulu ignored the fact that Alvin had lied to her about not being with Nick, she could deal with him latter, and decided to deal with the papers in his hand. "What are those?"

"This is why I had to go to work. I set up a trust for the baby. $200,000, not to be accessible until he or she is 21 or to pay for educational expenses earlier." He handed her one of the folders that he had in his hands and she opened it to look at it.

"That's a lot of money Nick, are you sure about this?"

"It's my child. I want to take care of it, even if you don't want me to. I've set up my father as the administrator of the trust, and you as the secondary if anything were to happen to him."

"Why not you?"

"I wanted to give you options. My father has been in the same house my entire life, she's worked in the same building, he has the same phone number." Nick laughed a little at that. "He's not going anywhere any time soon."

"Oh, ok. What's that?" Lulu asked placing the folder down on the table next to her and gesturing to the other folder in his hand.

"Oh, um." He was regretting bringing it, thinking it would probably only raise more questions. "It's my will."

"Your will."

"Yea. I, um had it updated in light of current events, I wanted to make sure that if anything happened to me you and our child would be provided for."

"Ok," she furrowed her brow, trying to figure out why he would be telling her this. "Is something likely to happen to you?"

Nick looked at her, so wanting to tell her about his realizations last night and what he had almost done, but knowing that the only purpose that it would serve would be for her to find one more reason to keep the baby away from him and one more piece of proof as to why he would be a bad father. "No, but well, I'm about to become a father, I don't want to leave anything to chance."

"Ok. Is it something you wanted me to read?" Lulu was still trying to figure out why he had told her this.

"If you want. I just wanted you to have a copy. Jake has the official one, this is just for your records, in case something happens, you can show them that I wanted to take care of you and the baby."

He looked as if he wanted to pull her into a hug, or kiss her, or both. Lulu knew that if he did that there was no going back and so, instead of asking him to stay, or asking him about the will and the trust and why he was doing it now, she just nodded her head and opened the door again. "Thanks for stopping by Nick."

He looked heartbroken, but just nodded and walked out of the door, not looking back.

Lulu shut the door but waited by it until she heard his car start and drive away. She sighed and picked up both folders carrying them to the sofa and sitting down. She glanced at the trust documents briefly. Everything looked in order, nothing out of place. She placed it on the coffee table and picked up the next folder, the one with his will in it. She didn't want to look, but felt compelled to, after all, he had brought it over.

She opened it and read through the first bit quickly, seemed like a normal will. It wasn't until she got to the part where he started listing who should get what of his estate as it were that she slowed down. He was leaving her his house, and his money. Well, that wasn't entirely true. He was leaving everything he owned to her and their child. Everything. His house, his money, his belongings, his investments. Everything.

To say she was shocked was an understatement. She wanted to call him and tell him he didn't have to do this, but knew that it wouldn't end well. She couldn't be near him. It was a bad idea. So she just picked both files up and took them upstairs to her bedroom, placing them in her bedside table she changed and got into bed. She hopped for an uneventful Sunday and a return to normal at work on Monday, but knew that could never happen. She wished, deep down inside, that she didn't have to see Nick on Monday. She wished that just for once, he would leave her alone when she asked.


	5. Chapter 5

**Authors Note: **I'm going to be moving slightly off canon at this point, only because it's been a while since I've seen all the later episodes on which this is based, and they've only released season 1 on DVD. This is now a post-series fic. Also, a slight bit of a time jump going on. Without watching the eps, I really couldn't tell you how much time has passed, but it should be evident when we get going. Thank to lgmtreader for the beta.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own them though I wonder if they're up for grabs cause the shows not on the air anymore.

Lulu sat in her car outside Burton's house trying to get the courage up to go inside. It had been two months since she'd given birth to her little Anne, her beautiful sweet baby. She had been lucky and Anne had only had to spend a few weeks in the hospital after she was born, unusual for a child with Down syndrome, but not unheard of. But Lulu wasn't thinking about that now.

She'd never expected that after Nick had set up the trust and changed his will that he would actually leave her alone. And he did for the most part; showing an interest only in the baby and work. He'd gone with her to every doctor's appointment, even though she'd told him it wasn't necessary. His response was that he just wanted to be there for the baby. When she had decided to cut her time at LSP back to half time and not return as director, she had been shocked when Nick quite Fallon and Fallon and stepped up to take over for her. He'd lost most of his income by doing that, but according to everyone she talked to he seemed happy.

She could have asked him herself, but while he'd been over to see the baby, he hadn't talked about work or anything else, just little Anne. He hadn't talked about work or anything else, just the baby. He'd talked about programs and interventions available, about articles he'd read or people he'd met that knew about Down syndrome, but never once did he ask about how she was doing other than to make sure she was OK and handling being a mother all right. Not that she'd minded; or at least, that's what she tried to convince herself of. He'd been off probation for over a month now and seemed to be doing well.

Lulu, on the other hand, was a mess. She hadn't realized how hard it was going to be to have a baby that needed constant attention, even more than a typical child, but Burton had surprised her. He had come to see them both in the hospital the day after Anne was born, saying that he didn't care what her relationship status with Nick was, he wanted to spend time with what was likely to be his only grandchild.

So here she was, Sunday night dinner. Burton had told her it was something they used to do all the time as a family before Nick's mom had died, and now he wanted to start up the tradition again. She wasn't sure what she thought about spending time with Nick as a family; but Burton had insisted, and she wasn't going to keep him from seeing his grandchild just because she didn't want to see Nick.

Sighing, she gathered up the baby's things; gently removing the baby from her car, she made her way up the front walk to Burton's house. She didn't have to wait long for Sharon to open the door and greet her.

"Lulu, hi!" she said, stepping aside so Lulu could come in.

"Sharon, how are you? How's school?" They made small talk for a few minutes before Burton came out of the kitchen and told them that dinner was ready. Lulu got Anne settled in the baby swing that Burton had purchased just for use at his house, and came to sit at the dining room table.

Burton began serving the food family style as Lulu looked around, slightly uncomfortably, before speaking. "Shouldn't we wait for Nick?"

"No, no. Nickolas won't be joining us tonight. This is just a dinner for me and my girls," Burton said, not really looking at Lulu.

"Oh, ok." Dinner was rather uneventful; Anne slept through it and the conversation wasn't nearly as uncomfortable as she had imagined it would be. Lulu wondered, as she left for the night, if Nick's absence had been his idea or Burton's. She hesitated just slightly before driving in the direction of Nick's house. She wanted to know if it was going to be a problem, her spending time with his dad when he wasn't there.

Nick's car was parked out front when she got there, and there were lights on in several of the windows. Lulu hoped that he would be willing to talk to her; bringing Anne with her she went to knock on the door. Just as she got to the door it was thrown open and Nick stepped out onto the porch, carrying a large box.

"Nick," Lulu said in greeting, when it was evident that he hadn't seen her.

"Lulu, hold on, let me just put this in the car." Lulu watched as Nick put the box in the front seat of his car, the only spot in the car except for the driver's seat not already covered in bags and boxes.

"Downsizing?" Lulu asked, as she followed Nick inside.

"Um, no." He wandered into the kitchen and she heard water running for a few minutes before Nick came out and picked up Anne to hold. "Moving."

"You're moving? When were you going to tell me that?" She couldn't believe he would move without telling her.

"Well, I had already signed the papers on the other house, the larger one in the neighborhood with the good schools, when you told me you didn't want it; and since I took the job as the director of LSP, which was a large pay cut, I decided to move to the less expensive house. Not sure if I'm going to sell this one or rent it. I talk to a realtor on Monday." He hardly looked at Lulu while he spoke, preferring to look at Anne, making faces and holding on to her tiny little hands.

"When were you going to tell me?"

"Tomorrow, when I came to see Anne." He looked up now, cradling Anne close to his chest. "I knew you had dinner with my father tonight; I didn't want to interrupt happy family time."

"I didn't know you weren't going to be there." Lulu said, defenses automatically raised. She'd been on the defense with Nick so often lately that it was almost natural now. Not that he was fighting with her, or arguing with her, she just didn't trust herself to not respond to him in a way that would get his hopes up.

"My dad told me that he wanted to spend as much time with Anne as possible. He told me about the family dinners that he planned to have with you and Anne. I imagine when she's older that it might just be the two of them, without either of us there. You know, special time just with his granddaughter."

"I'm sorry, Nick," Lulu said, stepping closer, "I didn't mean to exclude you."

"No, it's nothing like that. It gave me a chance to get some things done. I've already made quite a few trips over to the new house. I'll have to get a moving van next weekend, but that'll be ok. Jake said he'd come over and help, and a few of the other guys from LSP are going to be coming too."

"Oh, ok." She wasn't sure what to say.

"But I should probably get going; I've got to get this last load and work early tomorrow." Nick reluctantly handed the baby back to Lulu and walked out with her to her car.

"You know; if you need anything…" Lulu started after she'd put Anne back in the car seat.

"No, I'm good. How about you? Do you need anything? Anything for the baby?"

"No, no, I'm good." They stood in an awkward silence for a moment. "Well, goodnight."

"Yeah, night." They both got in their cars and Lulu watched as Nick drove off. She just watched his taillights as he turned around the corner. She couldn't believe that this was the same man who just a few months ago had scared them all with letters that truly sounded like he was saying goodbye. She wondered what had caused this change in him, what had it been that had turned him around so much? She sighed; she wasn't going to find out tonight. The best she could do would be to wait for tomorrow and talk to him when he came over to see Anne.


End file.
